Crumbling Foundations

Personal Development

I have written before about balancing my two worlds of corporate IT worker and developing Shiatsu practitioner. For anyone learning a new skill in there own time this is a hard task but if that skill offers to open up a new path in life then it is worthwhile.

Unfortunately for me, my work life is definitely undermining my development as a Shiatsu student.

Until recently I have been content in my work as a developer. I have been programming computers for over 20 years and never wanted to move up the corporate ladder. For my current company that attitude is no longer good enough. As a result this year I was told that I was going to be downgraded and that my new grade meant I could no longer be in the development team!

I was then moved to another IT section; this fact was not communicated to me so I only found out when it occurred to me that one manager seemed to be talking to me a lot more. I had to ask him “do I work for you now?”: Apparently, I have been in this new role for over 2 months but despite complaining to my new boss I have not had my new role and responsibilities explained to me.

I am angry and depressed. The anger makes me moody and frustrated. The depression shows itself in tearfulness and some very black thoughts. I am spending the hours between 8am and 4pm feeling ignored, neglected and dispensable. I wonder if that I did not turn up one morning if anyone would actually notice that I am not in my dark little desk in the corner.

Companies spend a lot of time making employee friendly noises and talk of personal development. What they actually want are its employees to develop into workers committed totally to the company’s objective. Subsequently, Corporate culture depends on its staff feeling uncertain to keep them compliant. An employee who is content, loyal and dependable is not an active go-getter and something to be feared as too static for today’s fast paced culture.

I am naturally quiet, patient and willing to wait and listen. A good start for someone contemplating a future in Shiatsu. That future means that I will be taking a very responsible role in helping my clients through physical, emotional and spiritual problems. How can I accept that responsibility if I continue to feel so despondent?

My mental and physical health is suffering, my home life is affected and I am gambling my future as a healer by staying with this company. However, this company offers a good salary and flexible hours. While I study Shiatsu I still have to pay my mortgage, bills and tuition fees.

I feel trapped but it is a trap of my own making. Unless I take control then this compromise will continue. I have to choose between an abusing corporate culture that pays a good salary or a fulfilling Shiatsu based future that will let me develop as my own person and help others. I know what I want but I just need the will and support to grab it.

Tony Brown @ October 3, 2006